How to ask a guest what name and pronouns to use

Ask simply, allow the guest to choose what they share, and use the answer without turning it into a public announcement. “What name would you like me to use?” and “What pronouns do you use?” are clear questions. If different people will be present, check privately whether the same wording is appropriate in that setting.

What name would you like me to use when I introduce you?

I use she/her pronouns. What pronouns do you use, if you’d like to share?

Is that the name you’d like me to use with everyone at dinner, or should I check anything with you first?

You are asking how to address somebody, not seeking permission to investigate their identity. They may answer briefly, give different instructions for different settings, or prefer not to discuss pronouns. Keep the conversation proportionate to the practical need: introductions, invitations, place cards, group messages or speaking about them to other guests.

On this page: Ask without putting them on the spot · Names and introductions · Pronouns and different settings · Correcting a mistake · Hosting with care · Questions people ask

Ask without putting them on the spot

A quiet, ordinary question is often easier to answer than being singled out in front of a table. Do not select one guest for public questioning because of how they look, sound or dress. If sharing pronouns is part of a group introduction, make it optional for everyone rather than requiring a personal explanation from anyone who passes.

Before people arrive, is there a particular name you’d like me to use for you tonight?

When you reply with your arrival time, you’re welcome to let me know how you’d like to be introduced.

These messages give the guest time to answer privately. They also avoid making the question the centre of the gathering. Do not ask for a full biography when you only need a name for a place card, and do not make sharing personal details a condition of joining the event.

When you are meeting for the first time

Hi, I’m Jo. What should I call you?

Lovely to meet you. Could you tell me how to pronounce your name?

Begin with the information you need rather than an assumption about whether a name is formal, shortened, unusual or “real.” Asking for pronunciation can be respectful when you listen and make a reasonable effort to use it. Avoid making a joke about how difficult the name is or substituting a nickname for your own convenience.

When you are unsure whether to ask

I want to get your introduction right. How would you like me to introduce you to the group?

This open question can cover a name, pronunciation, relationship description or pronouns without requiring the guest to discuss all of them. Follow their lead. If they give only their name, use it and avoid treating the missing information as a puzzle you must solve before conversation can continue.

Names and introductions

A name differs from the invitation

I have Rebecca on the invitation. Would you like Rebecca, Becky or something else on the place card?

Thanks for telling me you use Ari. I’ll update the dinner list so it matches.

Use options only when they come from information the guest has provided; do not invent shortened names or offer a list of guesses. Once they answer, make the ordinary changes you control. You do not need to announce that the guest has a different name from one you previously knew.

A guest tells you about a change

Thanks for letting me know. I’ll use Morgan from now on.

Would you like me to change your name in the group chat, or would you rather handle that yourself?

The first reply accepts the information. The second asks about a separate action that may affect other people. Do not assume that telling you privately authorises editing every public-facing record or informing the whole guest list. Ask where the change should apply if the setting makes that uncertain.

You need the spelling

Could you send me the spelling you’d like on the invitation? I want to make sure I get it right.

Is this spelling correct for the name card, or would you like me to change it?

A spelling check should be a check, not an inquiry into why someone uses a particular form. Show the relevant name privately if needed. Be careful with group documents: sharing a draft guest list to confirm one person’s name may disclose information about everyone else that is unnecessary for the task.

A family nickname may not suit the setting

I know the family uses that nickname, but what would you like me to call you at the party?

This gives the guest a choice without criticising the family. If they want a different name used, follow that instruction within the setting you discussed. Avoid telling stories about old nicknames unless the guest welcomes them; an introduction does not require an explanation of every name somebody has had.

Pronouns and different settings

Asking directly and briefly

What pronouns do you use?

Are there pronouns you’d like me to use when I’m talking about you?

Both questions ask for practical information. You do not need to explain your assumptions or describe what made you unsure. Avoid asking somebody to confirm a guess based on appearance. If they share pronouns you are unfamiliar with, focus on learning how to use the words rather than turning the conversation into a debate.

When you need an example

Could you give me a quick example of how you’d like me to use those in a sentence?

Thank you. I’ll practise that, and you’re welcome to correct me if I slip up.

The second line does not make the guest responsible for teaching or monitoring you. Practise privately after the conversation. Do not repeatedly perform examples in front of them to seek praise, and do not ask them to reassure you that every mistake is harmless.

Checking privacy before an introduction

Would you like me to include your pronouns when I introduce you, or just use your name?

Is it okay for me to use those pronouns in the family group chat as well?

Sharing information with you is not automatically an invitation to broadcast it. Ask before adding it to an introduction or message if you are unsure. The guest may want ordinary usage without an explicit announcement, or may use different wording in different contexts. Follow the instruction without demanding a personal explanation.

When the guest gives different instructions for different people

Understood. I’ll use that wording with this group. Is there anyone else whose arrival would change what you want me to use?

Thanks for explaining. If I’m uncertain during the visit, I’ll check with you privately rather than guess in front of everyone.

Keep the information discreet. Do not repeat the private explanation to justify yourself to other guests. If the instructions are difficult to follow because the guest list or circumstances have changed, discuss the practical issue with the person affected rather than deciding on their behalf.

When they do not want to answer

No problem. Thanks for telling me what you’re comfortable sharing.

Allow the subject to end. Do not ask a companion to supply the answer or inspect the guest’s online profiles to work around their choice. In ordinary conversation, using their name can often help you avoid making an assumption while you follow whatever guidance they have chosen to give.

Correcting a mistake

A brief correction usually serves the conversation better than an elaborate apology that asks the guest to comfort you. Correct the name or pronoun, continue the sentence, and make the effort to improve. If you have shared private information or created a larger problem, address that separately rather than treating every mistake as identical.

You catch your own error

Sorry, I meant they. They’ll be joining us at seven.

Sorry, Alex. I used the wrong name. Would you like a drink?

The second example moves back to the ordinary interaction after correcting the mistake. It does not mean the correction is unimportant; it means the guest does not have to spend the next ten minutes managing your embarrassment. Avoid explaining that you are “bad at this” as though that makes future effort unnecessary.

If you already guessed rather than asked, see apologising for an assumption for correcting the assumption without demanding private details.

The guest corrects you

Thank you for correcting me. I’ll use that.

Listen to what they actually said. If you did not hear the correction, ask briefly rather than repeating another guess. Do not argue that your wording was close enough or that your intentions should make correction unnecessary. Their request tells you how they want to be addressed.

You made a mistake in writing

I used the wrong name in the message. I’m sorry. Would you prefer me to correct it in the chat or contact people individually?

A written correction can draw attention to information the guest would prefer not to highlight. Ask when the right repair is uncertain, especially if several people saw the message. Do not compound an accidental disclosure with a long public explanation of the private context.

Another guest makes a mistake

Morgan uses they. As you were saying, Morgan will arrive after dinner.

Use a simple correction only where it follows the person’s wishes and does not reveal information they asked you to keep private. If you have not agreed how to handle this situation, consider a discreet check rather than appointing yourself their public spokesperson. Correcting a word and confronting deliberate disrespect may require different responses.

Hosting with care

Make the practical details match what the guest told you. A private conversation can be respectful while a place card, group message or introduction still uses outdated information. Review the few things you actually control. Do not start a wider search through records or contact others without a reason and appropriate permission.

Avoid compulsory pronoun rounds. You can offer your own pronouns and invite others to share if they wish, while allowing a name-only introduction. This gives guests choices without requiring anyone to explain why they prefer not to answer in that setting. Do not praise those who share in a way that makes the people who pass feel conspicuous.

Treat pronunciation as worth learning. Ask once, repeat carefully if appropriate, and practise later. If you forget, a quiet second question is usually more useful than avoiding the name throughout the evening. Do not shorten it without invitation or turn the interaction into a performance about how unfamiliar it is to you.

Do not ask unrelated personal questions in the same breath. A request for pronouns does not require questions about bodies, medical history, legal documents or former names. If your actual hosting task needs a particular piece of information, explain that task and ask only for what is necessary.

When several hosts are involved, ask the guest what may be shared with them. A partner who is helping with introductions may need the right name; they do not necessarily need the private explanation behind it. Share the minimum practical information, and do not treat confidential context as background entertainment for the planning conversation.

If someone deliberately refuses to use the guest’s name or pronouns, do not expect the guest to debate their own treatment at the table. You can establish a basic expectation of respectful conversation and address the behaviour directly. Consider the guest’s preferences and safety before turning a private problem into a group confrontation.

Questions people ask

Should I say “preferred pronouns”?

A simple “What pronouns do you use?” avoids suggesting that the answer is merely an optional preference for other people to consider. For names, “What would you like me to call you?” is a natural everyday question. Use the guest’s own wording when they explain what works for them.

Do I need to ask every guest?

You do not need to run an interview before each social interaction. Use ordinary introductions, ask when information is needed, and avoid singling someone out based on appearance. If you offer a group opportunity to share, make it genuinely optional and keep the event moving without drawing attention to anyone’s choice.

What if the guest uses more than one set of pronouns?

Ask whether they have a preference about how you use them rather than assuming what the combination means. Their answer may be simple. Follow it without making them explain the same thing to the whole group unless that is what they want. If you are unsure later, check privately.

Can I ask the person who invited them instead?

For routine logistics, an inviter may already have the relevant name. For personal details or context-sensitive instructions, asking the guest privately can avoid passing assumptions along a chain. Do not seek information from someone else because the guest declined to share it with you.

What if I worry that asking will be awkward?

Keep the question brief and tied to a real situation, such as an introduction or name card. Awkwardness often grows when the question comes with a long explanation of your uncertainty. Ask, listen, thank them if appropriate, and return to the visit. Respectful follow-through matters more than finding a flawless opening line.

I’m updating the place cards now. Would you like yours to show just your first name?

This keeps an administrative question administrative. Offer the same ordinary choices you would offer other guests, and avoid adding extra labels or explanations that the person has not requested.